This could possibly be viewed as a touchy subject, but one that I feel needs to be hit on quite hard!! This is going to take lots of feedback, comments, and help from everyone.
We all have problems in our marriages. If you don't, you are lying! Ha! The question is, how do we deal with them effectively so that they don't compound and explode??? More importantly, for those who have reached their limit... done, finished, giving up.... Ready for the unspeakable "D word", what do you do?? No hope. Miserable. Can a marriage like this be saved???
First, I would like to say that everyone needs to realize that problems are ALWAYS 2 sided!! In order to fix a problem, we must be able to recognize our own role in it. If we are only playing the "blame game" we will get no where! We cannot expect change if we are saying, "If he/she does ____________, then I will be happy and it will be better." It is human nature to pass blame, and it makes us feel like our behaviors are justified. It takes a really mature person to accept the consequences for their actions. Often times, in this type of situation, both are playing the same game. They think that they don't want to make a move toward change until the other does, and they get locked into a very vicious cycle!!
So, how do we implement change?? I think it important to say here, that in order to make a marriage run smoothly, or to save one that is on the brink of destruction, both parties must be willing to change and put forth effort. If only one is willing to work hard, you will get no where, and will be wasting a huge amount of energy.
In order to properly address issues and how to help, we need to hear what you struggle with! What problems specifically are couples having?? Let's open some discussion and get feedback! We can all help eachother with our battles!
I would offer the suggestion to read the following books, if you have not already. I believe they are fundmental basics for every marriage and offer much insight and help. Excellent resources!! #1: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs #2: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman #3: The Pulse by Tim Goad #4: Cracking the Communication Code by Emerson Eggerichs
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5 comments:
Well my biggest suggestion could only be used for those who aren't married yet... haha helpful I know... When you're dating look for someone who is willing to change when things are going right. My husband told me this was one of the biggest reasons he married me.
If you are married... try something new, if things are alreay going badly the chance that it will be good is pretty good. And don't say the other person should change if you aren't willing to.
aahhhh. touchy indeed. it all takes a serious amount of humility and willingness to turn ourselves to God. But HOW does one truly do it? Well, I don't have the corner on the answer to that one, but I have to silently pray for help and (sometimes interference to save me from myself) on a very consistent basis. Humility is huge- especially when one has been legitimately wronged, when there is "reason" to be hurt. We have to forgive. And through that we can heal. Quick answer and kind of trite, but truth is truth right?
I very much agree with the anonymous comments. Especially with the God factor. I very much believe that we must keep Him with us in our efforts to improve our marriage. With God all things are possible if you truly have the heart for change! God is a God of love and healing. If you truly are ready to commit to Him for change, I believe He will help you to make it work. And through the trials, you will strengthen your relationship.
So, I do not at all think that the quick answer was trite! Some of the best things said are said in few words.
Sometimes it is more damaging to talk things over and beat to death the issue, so to speak. I too agree that some things are best said simply and to to the point. Like "I am sorry".. I think this makes a statement of one being humble and forgiving. It is better to say sorry than to sit and justify reasons for doing something for over an hour in a meaningless and damaging conversation. Saying you are sorry shows your willingness to change. Now just start the next step....try not to do that thing again that caused the fight and see how to learn from it.
i think another book that is really good is, "The Love Dare". It is very challenging, but helps change the mindset of a lot of people in marriage - "what's in it for me", to "what can i do for him/her".
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